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DOCTOR WHO
“The Doctor who gets cancelled”
written by Jonathan Amstead

CAST
THE DOCTOR/ MATT SMITH………………………………………MATT SMITH
RIVER SONG…………………………………………………….ALEX KINGSTON
DAVID TENNANT………………………………………………………HIMSELF
STEVEN MOFFAT…………………………………………………………HIMSELF
RICHARD BACON…………………………………………………………HIMSELF
RECEPTIONIST
CONTROLLER
PA/GEORGE SMITH

1 INT TARDIS

River Song and the Doctor are both in the main console room

The Doctor is dancing around tardis console, maintaining, it pulling knobs and levers

RIVER SONG
So my love what was your reason for picking me up?

THE DOCTOR
Well maybe I thought it was time I called you for help

RIVER SONG
So do you need my help?

THE DOCTOR
Did I say that?

RIVER SONG
You implied it

THE DOCTOR
So is implying saying

RIVER SONG
So why am I here

THE DOCTOR
Maybe I just wanted to take you somewhere for the fun of it

RIVER SONG
And is that a question or a statement

THE DOCTOR
Well River, maybe that’s for you to figure out for yourself

RIVER SONG
So where are we going

THE DOCTOR
Or when? (The doctor grins)

THE DOCTOR
Well, how about somewhere wonderful, somewhere magical.

RIVER SONG
I wouldn’t accept anything less

THE DOCTOR
How about the 1851 London Worlds Fair

RIVER SONG
The Great Exhibition?

THE DOCTOR
Indeed (the Doctor slams a lever down and lands the tardis)

THE DOCTOR
Housed in George Jennings amazing Crystal palace, the first single cast iron frame piano, the first fax machine

2 INT RECEPTION BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

The tardis is situated between two sofas

The Doctor bounds out mid flow of a conversation followed by River song

THE DOCTOR
And the worlds largest diamonds, don’t get any ideas

RIVER SONG
This isn’t the Crystal Palace

THE DOCTOR
No, right, yes this isn’t, must have flown off course, but where have we landed, looks like modernist earth interior, I’d say 1950’s in construction, seems like waiting room or reception, maybe for a hospital or factory.

RIVER SONG
Or a television studio (nods to a sign saying “BBC Television Centre”)

Just then David Tennant walks in though the door, goes to the reception

DAVID TENNANT
Hello, I’m here for the special

RECEPTIONIST
Ok Mr Tennant just sign here and I’ll get your pass

David turns rounds notices the Doctor, River Song and the police box and approach the Doctor

DAVID TENNANT
So you’re here too, Mr Smith

THE DOCTOR
Excuse me have we met, you look strangely familiar

DAVID TENNANT
What? we’ve met

THE DOCTOR
Mr Smith, John Smith

DAVID TENNANT
No, matt, are you screwing with me

THE DOCTOR
Who’s matt, are you matt?

DAVID TENNANT
No, ok, so who do you think you are?

THE DOCTOR
Yes excuse me, I haven’t formally introduced myself, I am the Doctor and this the lovely River Song.

RIVER SONG
At your service

A moment of awkward silence with occasional grinning from all 3 before David cuts in

DAVID TENNANT
Ok Matt

THE DOCTOR
Who’s Matt?

DAVID TENNANT
Matt Smith, you’re Matt Smith

THE DOCTOR
My names the doctor

DAVID TENNANT
Have you gone completely mad, has the stress finally gotten to you, let it go?

THE DOCTOR
Let what go?

DAVID TENNANT
Actually, you know what, I’m still a bit annoyed for letting it happen, and you know what, if that’s what you need to straighten your head out (David slaps the Doctor hard round the face)

THE DOCTOR
What’s that for?

DAVID TENNANT
That’s for letting Doctor Who get cancelled

CUTS TO OPENING CREDITS

Title “THE DOCTOR GETS CANCELLED”

THE DOCTOR
What, do you mean who get cancelled? What does that even mean?

David looks at River Song

DAVID TENNANT
Alex what is happening, why is Matt so crazy?

River Song confronts David angrily

RIVER SONG
Why did you confront the Doctor I’ve a good mind too…

RECEPTIONIST
Sir, could you please move your blue box as it’s cluttering up are waiting area.

THE DOCTOR
Ok, ok, come on river, lets park it in the car park for now

The Doctor and River Song both open the tardis and the door shuts behind them

David watches as they and shakes head; he assumes they will walk out in a few minutes feeling silly

The tardis dematerialise

As it does David’s jaw drops

He looks in shock at where the tardis had been for few moments and then turns to receptionist and says

DAVID TENNANT
Excuse me; did that blue box just dematiarallise?

RECEPTIONIST
Urr, yeah

On hearing the answer, he stares for a moment at where the tardis had been again, first with terror then confusion then amazement and finally pure joy before exclaiming

DAVID TENNANT
Brilliant!

David then runs out of reception to find the Doctor

3 EXT CAR PARK OF BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

The tardis has landed in an empty parking bay, door opens and the Doctor and River Song come out mid conversation.

RIVER SONG
So why have we stayed here when we could be at the Crystal Palace?

THE DOCTOR
I’m intrigued, there’s something out of place, not quite right, you know me

RIVER SONG
Indeed

Just then David Tennant runs up, slightly out of breath

RIVER SONG
You!

THE DOCTOR
River!

THE DOCTOR
Hello, how can I help?

DAVID TENNANT
Your real, your actually real

THE DOCTOR
Always have been

DAVID TENNANT
You’re the Doctor? You have two hearts? You fly though space and time in a time machine disguised as a police box? You’re a Timelord from Galliphey? The last of the Timelords?

THE DOCTOR
Well yes, but how do you know so much about me? Have we meet before?

David tennant
No, you’re a fictitious character like Sherlock Holmes, or, Harry Potter.

THE DOCTOR
I assure you I am very real

DAVID TENNANT
I get that now

David points to tardis

DAVID TENNANT
Any chance I could look inside?

THE DOCTOR
Of course

he pushes at door and it opens, David peers inside in his eyes light up, staggers back.

DAVID TENNANT
This is impossible

THE DOCTOR
Nothing is impossible just…

DAVID AND THE DOCTOR END TOGETHER
Highly improbable

Both laugh

THE DOCTOR
So why do you think I’m fictitious?

DAVID TENNANT
There’s a TV show made here, it’s about you, the Doctor and his adventures, it’s called Doctor Who

THE DOCTOR
Doctor Who? Doctor Who? And you’re a fan?

DAVID TENNANT
I played you, well before you regenerated

THE DOCTOR
Regenerated, they know I regenerate? How would anyone now so much?

DAVID TENNANT
I don’t know, until today I thought you weren’t real

THE DOCTOR
So who created this Doctor Who programme and when?

DAVID TENNANT
Well 50 years ago by a man called Sydney Newman

THE DOCTOR
Newman? Newman? That rings a bell; do you have any pictures of him?

DAVID TENNANT
Well, I’m sure I’ll be able to find something through the internet on my phone

Gets his Iphone out and starts fumble though it to find the image, after a moment he finds something.

DAVID TENNANT
Ah, here we go

Hands phone to the doctor

The doctor laughs upon looking at the image

THE DOCTOR
Aha, the Newmag the old devil, a Timelord as mischievous as me and a dear friend, he must have landed on earth and decided to base a TV series on me, well we must stop this series, I can’t go round with people thinking I’m the character from a TV series.

DAVID TENNANT
Will you don’t have to worry about that, Doctor Who has been cancelled

THE DOCTOR
By whom?

DAVID TENNANT
By the new controller the BBC, part of has new strategy

THE DOCTOR
New strategy hey?

DAVID TENNANT
Yes, he’s cancelled all drama series and replaced them all by programmes about making money, it’s wall to wall property development shows and Cash in the Attic, they’ve even for kids TV, Blue Peter’s been replaced by a show teaching how to make money on the stock market, everyone’s complaining about it.

The Doctor looks to River Song

THE DOCTOR
See river I said something’s out of place

RIVER SONG
Ok

Just then a daimler pulls up and parks in bay opposite

DAVID TENNANT
Speak of the devil

Man gets out the car and walk past the three of them to get into the building. As he walks the Doctor we see the Doctor sniff a few times.

The Doctor waits till the man is out of ear shot

THE DOCTOR
That mans not a man

RIVER SONG
What you mean, not human

THE DOCTOR
Yes, Do you know him? (Asks David)

DAVID TENNANT
Will yes, he’s the new controller of the BBC, what are you saying?

THE DOCTOR
I’m saying the new controller of the BBC is an alien!

END OF PART 1

TO BE CONTINUED……

PART 2

4 INT RECEPTION OF BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

The Doctor and River Song are briskly walking back in through the revolving doors of the reception followed by David Tennant, they are all in mid conversation as they do so

DAVID TENNANT
So why has alien come to earth and become head of the BBC?

THE DOCTOR
I don’t know

RIVER SONG
It doesn’t bode well though

THE DOCTOR
Precisely, usually some alien tyrant with a plan to try to use Earth as a stepping stone to take over the universe, question is, what is his plan, or in hers, could be a woman, women can be tyrants too you know

RIVER SONG
Certainly

THE DOCTOR
Indeed

RIVER SONG
So what’s your plan?

THE DOCTOR
Well, I say we pay this controller a little visit

DAVID TENNANT
What about me

THE DOCTOR
You can’t come, you’re not useful

RECEPTIONIST
Excuse me; you two can’t go any further

DAVID TENNANT
They’re with me

RECEPTIONIST
Okay Mr tennant

THE DOCTOR
You’re coming with us, you’re useful

As they walk off we pass across a TV, it is playing an ad for a new show
Brian Cox is in head and shoulders talking at the screen

BRIAN COX
Space is a cold dark place with no beauty to it, it has nothing compared the wonders down here on earth, such as the stock exchange.

Title comes up “Brian Cox’s Wonders of the Stock Exchange” “Coming soon to BBC 1”

5 INT CONTROLLER’S PA’S OFFICE

Plush modern office, to the right a black leather sofa and coffee table, to the left a desk where the controllers male PA sits. Between them are frosted glass doors with “BBC Controller” on; pictures of BBC shows adorn the wall.

The controller enters from corridor

CONTROLLER
Afternoon George, any appointments for the rest of the day?

PA
No sir

CONTROLLER
Good, make sure I’m not disturbed for the rest of the day

The controller proceeds to his office

6 INT CONTROLLERS OFFICE

A modern lavish office a desk dominates the room behind the desk is a stylised map of the world.

The controller enters the room and the door closes

We hear a gaseous noise like air escaping a tyre

We see fleeting glances in close up of a blue slightly reptilian figure

CONTROLLER
Open screen

The map behind the desk opens up to reveal a screen in static

CONTROLLER
Mantis to ship 1, mantis to ship 1

Image fades out of static is a video phone to a space ship

We continue to see fleeting glances the room and the figure and the screen as the conversation continues.

ALIEN
What is your progress?

CONTROLLER
Everything is on track, the re-educational process is in full swing, and I have started reproduction process

ALIEN
Good, we are moving closer slowly

The controller hears something outside

CONTROLLER
Sorry I have to go

7 INT CONTROLLER’S PA’S OFFICE

The Doctor, River Song and David Tennant are arguing with the controller’s PA

PA
Look, he has asked not to be disturbed for the rest of the day, and I’m not letting a bunch of disgruntled actors disturb his peace.

THE DOCTOR
(Gets close) look … (gestured to get PA’s name)

PA
George Smith

THE DOCTOR
(To river song) what is it with Smith today?

THE DOCTOR
(Says intimately) Look, George, we just need to check his office for parasites There’s been an infestation in the area.

Both smile

PA
(Smile fades) you can’t speck to him matt

The Doctor becomes frustrated

RIVER SONG
Leave this to me sweetie

River applies lipstick to her lips

PA
Nothing you say will make any difference

RIVER SONG
Ough, I won’t say anything

River moves towards the pa

8 INT THE CONTROLLER OFFICE

The door flies open to reveal the Doctor River Song and David Tennant, the controller is sitting at his desk

THE DOCTOR
Sorry to disturb you, Pest Control, we have had parasitic infestations in the area and I just need to check your office to for signs of infestations

CONTROLLER
I know you, you’re actors

THE DOCTOR
No were not, well he is (gestures at David Tennant)

CONTROLLER
No, I cancelled your show

THE DOCTOR
As I said Pest Control, so who are you?

CONTROLLER
I’m the new controller of the BBC

THE DOCTOR
No, you’re an alien I can smell you, what are you?

CONTROLLER
(Stands up) George, call security!

RIVER SONG
Ough, George can’t help you

We see the PA sat at his desk looking in a dream

PA
How can I help you Mr de niro (looking into empty space)

DAVID TENNANT
I can’t believe you actually have hallucinogenic lipstick

RIVER SONG
It comes in handy

THE DOCTOR
So, there you are, hiding behind human flesh, but you’re not human, but how? And what are you?

DAVID TENNANT
A shimmer?

THE DOCTOR
What?

DAVID TENNANT
A shimmer, an alien disguise

THE DOCTOR
Yes exactly, but a shimmer? Why would anyone call it that, a shimmer? Where did you get a name like that?

DAVID TENNANT
End of time?

THE DOCTOR
A shimmer? A shimmer?

THE DOCTOR
I digress, so, what alien are you disguised in plain sight, delanee, a dergathy maybe kalixion, no, too tall plus where would you hide the horn

CONTROLLER
Who are you?

THE DOCTOR
Pest Control, as I said

CONTROLLER
No, you’re alien too

THE DOCTOR
Well takes one to know one

CONTROLLER
Exactly

THE DOCTOR
Ha! So you admit it

CONTROLLER
Well

THE DOCTOR
Who are you I demand you show yourself!

CONTROLLER
Well okay

A gaseous goo escapes from the pours of the skin of the man, eventually skin falls away to reveal a gaseous 7-foot tall blue reptilian alien

The Doctor grins

THE DOCTOR
I know your race, but how can you be here, your home world is in furthest depths of the universe

CONTROLLER
Yes

RIVER SONG
What is he?

THE DOCTOR
Kullarthians, they’re nicknamed ego snares and idea smith’s, they gain substance by spreading ideas.

DAVID TENNANT
Gain substance with ideas?

THE DOCTOR
Yes they spread rumours, sway opinion, the mind is a powerful force the most powerful in the universe. They have an ability to feed on that and feed it into the people they influence

DAVID TENNANT
So why become head of the BBC?

THE DOCTOR
Control

DAVID TENNANT
So why the BBC? I jest

THE DOCTOR
So you’re controlling the BBC, stopping programmes being made that inspire, but why, what influence could you possibly have on the world controlling just one channel.

THE DOCTOR
Wait a minute, you’re pregnant

RIVER SONG
Sorry

THE DOCTOR
Not you River, he’s pregnant

CONTROLLER
Yes

THE DOCTOR
You see river and, what is your name

DAVID TENNANT
David

THE DOCTOR
That’s not important, you see Kullarthians have an interesting birth cycle, they produce perfect copies of themselves down to brainwave patterns and even memories, kind of a natural Clone, usually in batches oF 10 or 20, oh very clever, one man controlling the world

RIVER SONG
What do you mean?

CONTROLLER
Soon I’ll move my sons to the top of every TV channel in the world, CNN, FOX, RT, Al Jazeera

THE DOCTOR
You’re going to kill off a whole generation of dreamers, but to what end, it’s just you

CONTROLLER
I’m just the advanced guard, open screen

The map behind the desk opens up to revel a screen showing tracking of ships

THE DOCTOR
(Looks distressed) There must at 100

DAVID TENNANT
100 what?

THE DOCTOR
Kullarthian battle cruisers each crewed by 10 thousand Kullarthian warriors, but from that distance it would take a hundred years to get to Earth.

CONTROLLER
Just enough time

THE DOCTOR
Of course

RIVER SONG
What is it?

THE DOCTOR
He’s suppressing this society for invasion. All the thinkers, the dreamers, the ideas people are being encouraged to make money not develop ideas and dare to dream and he’s using television to suppress society.

DAVID TENNANT
But why?

THE DOCTOR
Don’t you understand it’s the dreamers that are behind all human developments you kill off the dreamers, humanity stagnates, they don’t develop, and they’re ripe for the picking.

CONTROLLER
Exactly, well now you know my plans I can’t possibly let you leave this room alive

The alien raises his hand and a bolt or energy starts to form in his hand

RIVER SONG
Doctor!!

The Controller staggers and freezes on hearing the name

CONTROLLER
The Doctor, you, are, the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Yes I am, why?

RIVER SONG
Doctor what happening to him.

THE DOCTOR
I’m not sure, he seems to paralysed by the idea of me

DAVID TENNANT
Of course

THE DOCTOR
Of course what?

DAVID TENNANT
You said he feeds off ideas?

THE DOCTOR
Yes

DAVID TENNANT
Then you’re his opposing force, a manifested idea, a real person turned into an idea.

THE DOCTOR
The show

DAVID TENNANT
Yes

THE DOCTOR
Well that’s all very well but we need to spread the idea, (at the controller who is now on his knees) earth is not for taking.

CONTROLLER
You can’t stop it

THE DOCTOR
So your not even going to give up now, well I have to stop you, somehow

DAVID TENNANT
(Looks at his clock) the Special, of course, Doctor, I think know I exactly how to defeat has plan.

THE DOCTOR
And how would that be?

DAVID TENNANT
Right now there’s a live special being filmed in studio 7 to commemorate the last Doctor Who and the 50th anniversary. It’s being broadcast throughout the world on all BBC network channels to a possible billion viewers, that’s a way to spread an idea

THE DOCTOR
Brilliant!

DAVID TENNANT
Hey, I say that

THE DOCTOR
Ok lets go, River you watch him, I think it’s time for my close up

The Doctor run out of the room leaving River Song to watch the controller

9 INT TV STUDIOS

Studio set with audience. The set space is adorned with past Doctor Who props including the tardis. In the centre of the stage is a large screen with “Goodbye Doctor Who” on it. Below that sat on stylish chairs, Steven Moffat and a host of behind the scene people from Doctor Who past.

There is an air of akwardnees in the studio

Richard Bacon is stood with a mike taking questions from the audience.

STEVEN MOFFAT
Well it has been an absolute pleasure to be a part of it and so sad to see it end, but things move on, but It’s worth remembering this isn’t the first time the show’s been cancelled so you never know what the future may bring.

Richard Bacon nods

RICHARD BACON
Indeed, do we have any other questions?

Richard Bacon runs up the stairs and points his mike at a young woman who is eagerly raising her hand

RICHARD BACON
Yes

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER
So how come none of the former Doctors could make it tonight?

RICHARD BACON
Good question

STEVEN MOFFAT
Yes, well, they were due to be here tonight, but as you may know actors schedules can be very busy, I’m sure they’ll be sad they missed the show.

Awkward silence Steven Moffat smiles

Richard Bacon touches his ear piece

RICHARD BACON
So we’re nearly at the end of the show but before we do we have an exclusive clip from tomorrows final ever episode of Doctor Who, Mr Moffat would you like to introduce it

STEVEN MOFFAT
Indeed, well when I realised I had to end the show I thought I should do it and a big epic way so this is the Doctors big dilemma

RICHARD BACON
Roll the tape

Cuts to
We see a close up of the Doctors hand pressing eject on a video player and a tape out pops with “the Doctor death scene” written on in biro

The screen in the centre of the set flashes up to reveal the Doctor in the director’s gallery

THE DOCTOR
Hello I’m the Doctor, the real Doctor, now rumours about my untimely death have been greatly exaggerated. I’m here as I’ve always been watching and listening to you lovely people of planet earth, and I’m a little concerned of late, you seemed to be discouraged from dreaming, now that’s a terrible idea. Dream your dreams, innovate, dare to be different, that’s what you’re all so very good at, especially you children with your big head of imagination, don’t worry about that boring grown up money stuff. You can take on anything the universe has to offer if you just keep dreaming the dream. Anyway I’m just waffling now so I must stop, but remember your potential and aspire to dream, that is all.

He flashes his sonic screwdriver and the picture breaks up and turns to static and then the title screen fades back

Audience stands and gives rapturous applause

We see the alien controller scream out before losing mass and disintegrating and fading into the air.

River on seeing the alien is no more, runs out of the room

RICHARD BACON
(Slightly confused) Well, umm, that’s all we have time for, goodbye.

Credits roll on screen on set

A phone rings with the Doctor Who theme tune ring tone, it’s Steven Moffat, he answers it

STEVEN MOFFAT
Hello?

10 INT RECEPTION BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

Matt Smith is on the phone as he comes to the revolving door

MATT SMITH
I know I know, yeah, yeah in just there now

Matt Smith enters the revolving door, as he does the Doctor runs into other side, they look at each other Matt Smith is completely in awe open mouth at the sight of the doppelganger in Doctor Who clothes, Matt tries to push but the Doctor jams the door for a moment before pushing all the way round and running out to the tardis.

David Tennant follows the doctor, as he runs past a bewildered Matt Smith he mouth the words “I know” at Matt Smith.

VOICE ON PHONE
Hello? Hello?

MATT SMITH
Sorry, got to go (says absent mindedly and hangs up)

Just then Steven Moffat enters from inside the main building a jubilant smile on face.

STEVEN MOFFAT
Matt, I don’t know what you think you where doing back there, (says angrily) but it worked (grins)

MATT SMITH
Wha, what (still bewildered)

STEVEN MOFFAT
Apparently the new controller has gone missing, his PA called to say he’d quit and run off to Rio to start a new life as drag queen.

MATT SMITH
Really? (Confused)

STEVEN MOFFAT
Yes, really, just got a call from the new acting controller of the BBC, she told me it all, and she’s decided to make a u-turn on the whole Doctor Who cancellation business.

MATT SMITH
But what about the last episode? The epic death scene?

STEVEN MOFFAT
Ough I think we’ll mothball that episode, the Doctor will live to fight another day, but what’s more important is we have our old job back, and we’ll have plenty of work ahead of us.

11 INT THE TARDIS

River Song is stood at the console

The Doctor enters the tardis

THE DOCTOR
I told you to stay and watch him

RIVER SONG
He died and disappeared. There wasn’t anyone to watch, beside would you have come back for me?

THE DOCTOR
Well, no, but that’s not the point

David Tennant enters the tardis they both look around

DAVID TENNANT
So, are you going off to stop the invading ships now?

THE DOCTOR
I don’t have to, as long the show stays on, and people keep dreaming, the invaders will be repelled

DAVID TENNANT
Do you think your friend knew?

THE DOCTOR
(Grins) quite possibly

DAVID TENNANT
So, you saved the world

THE DOCTOR
I always do

DAVID TENNANT
And now you’re off

THE DOCTOR
You could always come with me

DAVID TENNANT
Ough! Now that, would be wonderfully tempting, but incredibly irresponsible of me, I have kids, I have to do boring grown up stuff now, I can’t, but I thank you, it was a pleasure.

THE DOCTOR
Well I owe you

DAVID TENNANT
No, I think were even, now I think I need to leave before I do something incredibly stupid

David exits the tardis

12 EXT CAR PARK OF BBC TELEVISION CENTRE

David Tennant watches as the tardis dematerialise

DAVID TENNANT
Best day ever.

Fades to black

THE END

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