[MisterMaster @replies]

I’m new around here so please be gentle.

I’m posting this at the suggestion of another member who thought some of you may enjoy it.

They should let me be show runner, I’d give them a much more gritty Dr Who.

The new Dr should be played by Alex Norton, the bloke from Taggart would be bloody great in the role. Especially if he played the Dr as a hard-nosed Glaswegian Time Lord, with a drinking problem, as only he can.

Week 1: The new Dr and Clara arrive in Glasgow, early 1980′s. Thatcher has just been elected and the Dr discovers she and her cabal of lizard people cabinet ministers are shutting the mines with a view to using background radiation from new generation nuclear power to alter the DNA of the good people of blighty, turning us into their new highly radioactive food source, ready to be shipped back to their trans-dimensional portal in the Falklands. General Galtieri has discovered their plan and is trying to stop her.

Week 2: The Dr and Clara wake up in bed together in the TARDIS, whose interior has just regenerated into an 80′s style council flat in Easterhouse. The Dr sends Clara out for a carry-out, no more fish-fingers and custard, special brew and kit-kats are his new diet. Clara gets jumped by a couple of wee neds who hold her to ransom until the Dr concocts super strength ecstasy using his sonic screwdriver.

Week 3: The TARDIS lands on Administratia IV, where the tardis is promptly impounded until the Dr pays River 670 years backdated child support money.   While selling off various niknaks the Dr has pilfered through the years to raise the cash, Clara is kidnapped by, bizarrely, a victorian era teapot hell-bent on tearing a hole in space-time. The teapot is placated by the Dr singing “I’m a little teapot, short and stout” and running at it with his sonic screwdriver, stunning it and removing an overstewed tetley one-cup bag which explodes, sealing the hole in space-time. The stuffy civil servants of administratia IV are so thankful they let the Doctor and Clara leave, with the Dr agreeing a new payment plan for the child support money.

Week 4:  The Dr awakens in a time lord hospital, the last surviving hospital of its kind. Suffering from acute liver failure he has only days to live unless a donor can be found. Clara, who by this point has degenerated into a prostitute of some repute, is servicing a client in the back of a time-ambulance, a special TARDIS that can keep time lords in stasis until they can be ferried from wherever they are in space-time to the hospital. Clara discovers the Hospitals Dr’s are actually on an NHS watch-list and this explains why the Dr has been stuck in a corridor – a time-corridor – where he’s phasing through the ages, waking up in a drunken stupor in Elizabethan England, then passing out and waking up in Edwardian England, before waking up in bed with Henry 8th. Clara snaps him back to their present with a sonic stethoscope and uses the liver of a healthy dalek to force a partial regeneration, saving the Dr’s life.

Week 5: The TARDIS phases into existence outside a betting shop in present day Coatbridge. It’s Derby Day and Dr needs to put his line on. Of course, he’s a time lord and with a nod and a wink to Clara he goes in to Ladbrokes while Clara goes to get 20 B&H and a roll’n’fritter from the chippy next door.  Clara’s standing on the street trying to light her fag in the pissing rain when the Dr’s chunky frame is thrown through the glass window and he crashes head first into the side of the tardis. Clara drops the fritters and helps the doctor, who, dazed and confused, takes a draw on her ciggie. “F*&k, thought that was silk cut! – Bensons are bowfin hen” he exclaimed to Clara. At this point a shadowy figure dressed all in black climbs through the window frame – the Doctor explains to Clara who the man is, he’s The Master, this time played by Robert Carlyle. This was no ordinary Ladbrokes, it the the Masters TARDIS. We see the Doctor and The Master pointing sonic screwdrivers at each other when the Masters assistant, played by Freema Agyeman, lamps the Doctor over his knapper with an empty buckfast bottle. The Doctor wakes up, stinking headache next to the TARDIS, now resplendent with cock-and-balls graffiti and Clara gone.

Week 6: We open with the TARDIS, still with cock-and-balls, spinning through the vortex chasing the Masters Ladbrokes. Together they land on Gallifrey, or rather, what’s left of it. The Dr emerges first and is soon joined by the Master, Martha and Clara. The Master wants to show clara what our hero has done to his own people, his own home now a desolate wasteland. From behind a rock, a dalek trundles out and is soon joined by a cyberman, a sontaran and a stone angel. the Master explains that Clara really does not know the Doctor as well as he does, as well as Martha does, and the rest of the congregation assembled. the Dr pleads with Clara not to listen to them, that he’s really a good guy, it’s just that he’s had a couple of really bad writers recently, and that their stories, together with incidental music that is just too f&*king loud, have driven him to do terrible things. Martha steps up, offering testimony that she was imprisoned by the Dr in one of the tardis many sex-dungeons after he got the idea from Joseph Fritzl, but escaped and that’s why she was binned in record breaking time. Clara knees the master in the bollocks and escapes with the Dr.

[MisterMaster @replies]

@Shazzbot – thanks for the tip, will repost.

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